I got through today! I started the week and the month in TERRIBLE bad form but managed to turn it all around, thanks to some perspective and good judgement.
Remember the “Keeping It Real” sketch on the Dave Chappelle show, where he showed what happened in a situation and what he would have LIKED to have happen, had he kept it real? Well, I ran through the gamut of keeping it real scenarios today, but acted with grace and deference to propriety (or so I think).
You be the judge:
Problem: Can’t find sports bra in the dark while getting ready to go for a run this morning. It almost made me head right to back to bed.
- Keeping It Real? Get your dog to sniff for it–after all, if it’s not in the washed pile, it must be unwashed and therefore manky enough for the dog to find.
- Or Not… OK, I didn’t set the dog to the task–I used my own nose and found it.
Problem: Can’t find water bottle, plus there’s no Brita-filtered water to pour in said bottle should you find it. This was reason number 2 for almost heading back into my bed.
- Keeping It Real? Fill Brita filter with water. Search for bottle and find it. While water filters, fill a bucket of water and pour it over the sleeping Husband culprit responsible for the gross transgression of not filling the water pitcher with filtered water last night.
- Or Not… Swear in Spanish so the neighbors can’t understand you and vow to put ants in Husband’s coffee, then pour water into bottle and head out the door.
Problem: Big dogs with big teeth stare you down while on your run.
- Keeping It Real: Bark at them, shimmy up a palm tree, or find a cat you can toss their way to provide a distraction.
- Or Not… Slow down and don’t let them smell your fear; be grateful a fellow morning jogger is near you and carrying a big stick. It worked, I’m here to tell the tale.
Problem: While on your run, nasty toothless men in rickety car slow down to gawp at you, then back up over a speed bump to re-gawp at you and make hand gestures while half their bodies hang outside the fragile vehicle.
- Keeping It Real: Tell them you’re a dentist and you’d like to help them pro bono. Alternatively, watch another car slam into theirs and send them and their ugly clunker skidding to the back of beyond.
- Or Not… Wave and say good morning to imaginary neighbors at a random house, therefore making it look like someone is out and might come to your rescue; mentally give them the middle finger as they drive off.
Problem: Lose your keys while on your run. They were firmly attached by safety pin to the inside of my pants waistband, but somehow came loose (as if there were enough space between me and my pants, ha!).
- Keeping It Real: Carry a supermagnet that will pull them back towards you; major points if the magnet is an Inspector Gadget-type extra arm (which you surely would have used to magnet up and hurl away the offending toothless men above).
- Or Not… Run up and down the street from where you last felt them, at a full two minute per mile faster pace than you usually run. Cry. Be ashamed when someone sees you.
Problem: Still can’t find the damn keys. Yep, they were gone. I was near tears again.
- Keeping It Real: Take it as an opportunity to move to another house .
- Or Not… Hustle and get ready in twenty-five minutes flat, forgoing breakfast and well-applied mascara, so you and Eagle-Eyed Husband can go out in the car and retrace your route before work, lest someone else find them and you come home to an empty house.
Problem: Realize that you have a big, noticeable streak of hair gel that’s making your hair look stiff (as if you’d been licked by a dog), which was no doubt occasioned by being in a state of desperation at losing keys while styling hair in a hurry.
- Keeping It Real: Tell the boss you need to blow this popstand shiznit due to a bad hair/everything day.
- Or Not… Rock the Puerto Rican facelift on that side and take a Tylenol to counteract said facelift’s side effects.
Problem: An office meeting goes for two hours (and into lunchtime).
- Keeping It Real: Jump up on a table, bite at the lamp, and run off yelling that you’re out this shiznit.
- Or Not… Eat and appreciate a rather substandard lunch as if it were a chili dog of the heavens, which is what you’ve wanted to eat all day (yep, that was me–I learned my lesson about cabbage in salads).
So I guess I didn’t keep it real–and probably because of that, the day turned out well. And wouldn’t you know it, but I was running along at a 9:30 pace for about a third of my run and even hit 8:10 for a good little while, making it a very nice little 3 miles indeed? Maybe I need to lose my keys (and almost lose my cool before 7 am) more often. Or not.
I did the whole Not Keeping It Real with a purple top and orange v-neck (Target), H and M pleated skirt, and Target shoes today, as you can see in this late-day picture:
I forgot my camera at home with all of the morning’s disaster and commotion, hence no pics of strawberry oatmeal or of salad with pico de gallo and beans (which was just OK, no big shakes).
By dinner-time, I was all good mood and smiles after I returned from a stressful dentist appointment with good news (no cavities!). I laid into last night’s leftover sweet potato and black bean quesadillas with great gusto, and washed it all down with a beastly cold Carib beer:
Because nothing gets you through a night of work like the warm fuzzy fog of happiness brought on by Mexican food and Trini beer.
It’s bedtime Flight of the Conchords time, y’all–I’m out this biznitch. Au revoir!